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exploring yoga with dan conner


One thing people always ask me is how I stay so fit. If I’ve mis-heard them, I’ll tell them Roseanne and I just dig into Darlene’s stash and lock ourselves in the bathroom for a few hours – easy peasy. But all those fudgesicles ain’t great for my core and, honestly, putting up drywall just doesn’t give me the spiritual center I need to cope with DJ’s dead eyes or the horrific experiments carried out on my daughter Becky. (The writers of Face/Off never even paid us for the rights to her story. Goddamn Hollywood.) So, to keep my head on straight and these abs Rosie-ready I started taking classes at the Lanford Yoga Hearth.

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking: what could a swole beefcake hardbody like Dan Conner get out of some namby-pamby wet noodle dancing? Turns out yoga is about way more than just revolutionizing sweatpants technology and using the farts of others to open up your heart chakra. I mean, it might still be about both those things, but for me it’s a chance to open up my Big-Dan chakra, reflect on life’s challenges and align my body’s inner-peace with my mind’s.

I usually begin with Uttanasana, or Standing Forward Fold, to open up my legs, hips and back. This pose is great because it allows me to look backwards at the class between my legs, asserting my dominance right off the bat. You might think yoga studios are friendly places of warmth and healing and, okay fine maybe they are – but if there’s one thing life has taught me it’s that there’s always somebody behind you ready to sneak up and impregnate one of your daughters, drink all your Shasta cola, and bankrupt your bike repair shop. Uttanasana shows the folks at the Yoga Hearth two things: Big Dan is limber even in denim and flannel, and he’ll be damned if he’ll let you pull any shit.

Once I’m satisfied, I move into Virabhadrasana, or Warrior One, to begin a period of deep reflection. I usually hold this pose for 15 – 20 breaths while I think about different things, like whether or not to block Mark on Facebook or how many centuries it will be before someone discovers the clues I’ve hidden at the Lanford Lunchbox. (The keystone exists. Beware of albino monks. 4-8-15-16-23-42.) I’ve said too much. Anyway, from there I go into Chair pose, which is a pretty tough one. It really works my glutes, but since I don’t do much charity work I figure it’s worth the effort to perform a little public service. Ha!

I follow that up with Downward Dog and move quickly into Upward Facing Dog. Now, this is the closest I get to dancing and I have to admit that it feels good. Dan Conner is a man of grace! Behold! I’m not embarrassed to admit that I love the way my body looks in Upward Facing Dog and I may or may not have arranged a photo shoot to document it. I also may or may not have showed some of the guys at the bowling alley and we may or may not be planning a calendar. Man, even talking about yoga’s got me feeling relaxed!

I like to end my sessions at the Yoga Hearth with Butterfly pose, which I hold for as long as it takes for everyone else to leave the studio. Once I’m alone I like to sing Lana Del Rey’s “Video Games” to myself in the mirror while I check my blood pressure and comb my hair. I always leave relaxed.

I’ve been going to the Yoga Hearth for about six months now and Rosie says she’s seen a definite improvement in me. My jeans fit better and I have the spiritual fortitude to resist DJ’s midnight blood rituals. The only downside has been that I can’t make fun of David as much anymore but, honestly, ever since he burned me the Depression Cherry leak we’ve gotten along really well. Anyway, I’m off to pick Rosie up from the Lunchbox. Hope this answers some of your questions about the official winner of the “Lanford’s Best Beach Body” competition 2015!


This piece was originally written for publication in Rosezine, a zine by Steven Miller.